Water Where You Are

I continue to be humbled and challenged by this 108 day cycle.

I have been keenly aware these past few weeks, that there is a committee in my head that talks regularly about where I want to be, as opposed to where I am. Or points to where I was and asks how I managed to mess up and lose what I had found there. The committee, in this moment, is focusing on how I want to be where I was this summer in terms of muscle tone, energy, and diet. Yet, here I am, in all of my imperfect glory with less muscle tone, less energy, and at times, less than supportive choices within nourishment. I am in what I like to refer to as a 'breaking out of the cocoon' phase. My body has been busy resetting itself, and quite honestly, my life has been in that same process.

The other morning I was able to separate out the voice of the committee from the voice of my heart. And here's what it looked like:

Committee: It's 5 AM. Get up and do your yoga. Otherwise you're going to feel terrible at work today. And then you're going to be flabby and unattractive.

Heart: It's 5 AM. I need to wake up slowly. I don't know if yoga is the best movement for me this morning. I am healthy. What matters is how I feel in my body. And if, right now, I have gained a few extra pounds, it is a sign that something else in my life is out of alignment - that I need ballast . . . or protection. I want to pay attention to that signal from my body. And right now, part of that signal is asking me to move slowly.

Committee: How long are you going to move slowly for? It's been long enough. You have to do yoga. You know that it works. Otherwise you're just going to slide into nothingness and be completely unproductive and useless.

Heart: I need something different this morning. I'm not certain what just yet. But I want to lay here and feel into it.

About an hour later I did pull myself from bed and wandered around my apartment for a few moments before sitting at my altar. Yes, of course I wanted to do yoga - I ache and long for how I feel after an hour's practice. Yet I could feel that something about it just wasn't in alignment for that morning. And after a few moments at my altar, it occurred to me to grab the coconut oil from the bathroom, and to spend some time massaging my feet - something that I used to do quite regularly when I was studying acupuncture and massage therapy. After ten minutes of this, I felt at peace, relaxed, and centered. And when it came time to fix breakfast, I reached for things that were deeply nourishing and balanced. Because I could feel that within my body. Because I was invested in maintaining that feeling. Because I had given myself the space to explore what I need.

I could have lived in the space that my committee was trying to create - the future or the past. Instead I chose to live in the moment. Like a garden - you can't water it in the future. You have to stand in this exact moment, and water the plants where they are now. Seedlings. Sprouts. Or even just dirt. Where ever you are in your practice, in your life, in your thoughts, in your body - give water to the here and now . . . and see what grows in this moment.