On the cusp
of what you have known
and all that stands before you
In the space of the hands and hearts
that have held you with love and tenderness
At the intersection of your greatest tragedies
and deepest triumphs
In the moments of sublime bliss
Steeped in layers of melancholy and stagnation
Lies the courage of your heart
the seed that She has planted
for you
Tiny tendrils breaking their way free
digging and traversing in the soil of the Nile
suckling at the fertility of the darkness
drinking in the nourishment of divine
There comes a moment
when those tender tenuous roots
break through the ground
when those shoots and leaves find the light of day
There comes a moment
when the cool air strikes upon the fresh green life
And I wonder
in that moment
if there is hesitation at this new experience of life
Grief at growing towards the sun s
wishes to remain safely ensconced
in the darkness of the great earth mother's womb
Desire to be embraced only by what is known
even through the romance of what is yet to come
The rich breaths of this very moment
tickling the senses
filling the soul
I wonder if that plant spirit
hesitates
as I do
for one last second
Before breaking through into the light
stretching heaven-bound
in graceful lines and complete joy
I wonder if that plant spirit knows
that life is so very fragile
on the other side
that the winds may whip
the rains may swell
and that she will be asked to trust
in the strength of her roots
the knowingness of her heart
and the wisdom of Divine
to flow through her
Grow her
Grant her life in each moment
I ask myself this
as I stretch my hands and heart
towards the fire
as I sweep the soil from my shoulders
as I tenderly lift and sift my feet from the blackened soil
as I pause
and remember
from where I came
and to where I will return
with a finite number of breaths
between these moments
I pause
and give thanks
to all that has nurtured
all that has held
all that has strengthened
all that has swelled
to meet me in this moment
to release me towards the sun
to whisper their love
to lace my heart with their wisdom
You are ready
they say
I am ready
I know
And so I raise myself towards the sun
my feet walking prayers upon the womb from which I came
an umbilical cord to divine
always to be found within
(c) 2015 Melissa Rudder
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
I Am the Stop Sign
This is Day 2 of the 108 day cycle, and the first day had already shown me that my 'intention' needed to have some parameters around it in order for me to feel more grounded. So in responding to the larger group this morning, I clarified some of the things I would be doing to help keep me in alignment with my intention to explore food as medicine. So I will be doing yoga for 30 minutes each day, running 2x/week,
meditating/sitting with my altar for at least 10 minutes 2x/day,
drinking 80 oz water/day, and taking wheat and dairy out of my diet
again. All of those things help me to be more in alignment with the food
that I eat, and seem to encourage me to reach for foods closer to the
earth.
This morning I woke up with a particularly vivid dream, that struck me at my core for many areas of my life. In the dream I was with a group of people and I was sharing my process around what I had learned from an emotionally abusive relationship that I had been in. These were people that were also part of my graduate program and part of my work life. In the midst of what I was sharing, someone pointed to a stop sign in the room and said 'you are the stop sign'. And then another person and another person and another person all started to nod their head in agreement and murmured about how the conflict intervention residency I was about to attend was going to enhance that.
When I woke up from the dream, beyond the fact that I was panicked because I had fallen back to sleep after my alarm had sounded, I was puzzled by the dream. So as I prepared for my day, did yoga and meditation, made breakfast, and moved myself out the door, I pondered on what that meant to me.
I was the stop sign.
What has come up for me, is this sense that somehow in making the choices that I have made (and continue to make), I am breaking dysfunctional cycles in my life, and also dysfunctional cycles and patterns from generations within my family.
At first, that thought/awareness, felt silly . . . but when I sit quietly with it, I realize there is truth there. We are born into dynamics and patterns within our family. Those things are passed onto us energetically, emotionally, physically, and mentally . . . and each generation has an option to change, shift, shape, and mold that into something that is filled with light and love. And often in my journey of healing, growth, and self-reflection I have been aware that I was making conscious choices, step by step to shift these dynamics and patterns.
So here, in this 108 day cycle . . . I am making that conscious shift again. While I didn't at first attribute that to part of my process or intention, I recognize that is what we are all doing, really.
We are all stop signs.
This journey - this 108 days - is an opportunity to practice standing at the stop sign each and every day. To choose deliberately and consciously which direction we head. To shift lifetimes of patterns that need to be untied and woven together again. And it is in these small, mindful shifts, that we begin to change the world around us. Because we are changing the world within us. Micro to macro. Inner to outer. Me to you. You to us.
This morning I woke up with a particularly vivid dream, that struck me at my core for many areas of my life. In the dream I was with a group of people and I was sharing my process around what I had learned from an emotionally abusive relationship that I had been in. These were people that were also part of my graduate program and part of my work life. In the midst of what I was sharing, someone pointed to a stop sign in the room and said 'you are the stop sign'. And then another person and another person and another person all started to nod their head in agreement and murmured about how the conflict intervention residency I was about to attend was going to enhance that.
When I woke up from the dream, beyond the fact that I was panicked because I had fallen back to sleep after my alarm had sounded, I was puzzled by the dream. So as I prepared for my day, did yoga and meditation, made breakfast, and moved myself out the door, I pondered on what that meant to me.
I was the stop sign.
What has come up for me, is this sense that somehow in making the choices that I have made (and continue to make), I am breaking dysfunctional cycles in my life, and also dysfunctional cycles and patterns from generations within my family.
At first, that thought/awareness, felt silly . . . but when I sit quietly with it, I realize there is truth there. We are born into dynamics and patterns within our family. Those things are passed onto us energetically, emotionally, physically, and mentally . . . and each generation has an option to change, shift, shape, and mold that into something that is filled with light and love. And often in my journey of healing, growth, and self-reflection I have been aware that I was making conscious choices, step by step to shift these dynamics and patterns.
So here, in this 108 day cycle . . . I am making that conscious shift again. While I didn't at first attribute that to part of my process or intention, I recognize that is what we are all doing, really.
We are all stop signs.
This journey - this 108 days - is an opportunity to practice standing at the stop sign each and every day. To choose deliberately and consciously which direction we head. To shift lifetimes of patterns that need to be untied and woven together again. And it is in these small, mindful shifts, that we begin to change the world around us. Because we are changing the world within us. Micro to macro. Inner to outer. Me to you. You to us.
Friday, January 2, 2015
A Commitment to Nourishment
Food is medicine. And when there is something that ails me, first and foremost, I look to food to provide what I need for healing to occur. This has been a learned practice over the last 10 years of my life and has brought me through many cycles of healing, into a deep state of health and wellness.
Yet I still find myself reaching for the cookies when I am feeling melancholy. Seeking a piece of chocolate for a quick energy fix. Craving macaroni and cheese when I want to be comforted. The psychological roots of food are deep. And even though I have made tremendous shifts in my diet and have learned to listen deeply to what it is that my body needs, it doesn't always mean that I give it what is best.
I have the blessings of a full and abundant life - one that requires me to juggle the priorities of many things and people that I love. Beyond my propensity to leave my dishes on the sink for the night so that I can gain an extra twenty minutes of sleep, the space where it is easy for me to fall short, is the place of feeding myself the most deeply nourishing items available to sustain the rhythm of my life.
Most days, I fare well even when I falter, choosing a vegan sandwich from the local co-op for breakfast on a busy morning, or bone marrow broth and rice for a quick-fix dinner. Yet I see regularly how I fall into patterns around what I eat or perhaps forget to eat at all for the duration of a long and occasional day at home. This past May, I found myself with a set of health problems that were inflamed by the presence of wheat, dairy, eggs, and sugar in my diet. So for a period of months, I went through an intense initiation into the land of how to feed myself outside of the spectrum of what I was comfortable with or what was known. While I had experienced these sensitivities before, they had never caused the current alarming inflammatory reaction. So there was no choice except to commit to life without these foods, to give my body time and space to heal.
This experience sparked an incredible learning around the depths of what my body needed. In many ways, I had more energy and felt stronger than I had in years. And in being human, once the symptoms began to ease, I allowed the once restricted foods back to my diet on a more regular basis. I immediately noticed the difference in my digestion, mood, energy, and overall sense of wellness. I was intrigued.
So for this 108 day cycle I am committed to the exploration of what it is that I need in order to deeply nourish my sacred self. This will come in many forms - exploring new recipes, taking note of how certain foods make me feel, raising my awareness as to when I choose to eat for emotional reasons and releasing those patterns, choosing foods as close to the earth and as minimally processed as possible, engaging the world of spices in my cooking, and taking great care to prepare my own food regularly.
I am looking forward to this journey with my arms outstretched to the depths of what I will learn and to the places where I will be challenged and transformed.
Yet I still find myself reaching for the cookies when I am feeling melancholy. Seeking a piece of chocolate for a quick energy fix. Craving macaroni and cheese when I want to be comforted. The psychological roots of food are deep. And even though I have made tremendous shifts in my diet and have learned to listen deeply to what it is that my body needs, it doesn't always mean that I give it what is best.
I have the blessings of a full and abundant life - one that requires me to juggle the priorities of many things and people that I love. Beyond my propensity to leave my dishes on the sink for the night so that I can gain an extra twenty minutes of sleep, the space where it is easy for me to fall short, is the place of feeding myself the most deeply nourishing items available to sustain the rhythm of my life.
Most days, I fare well even when I falter, choosing a vegan sandwich from the local co-op for breakfast on a busy morning, or bone marrow broth and rice for a quick-fix dinner. Yet I see regularly how I fall into patterns around what I eat or perhaps forget to eat at all for the duration of a long and occasional day at home. This past May, I found myself with a set of health problems that were inflamed by the presence of wheat, dairy, eggs, and sugar in my diet. So for a period of months, I went through an intense initiation into the land of how to feed myself outside of the spectrum of what I was comfortable with or what was known. While I had experienced these sensitivities before, they had never caused the current alarming inflammatory reaction. So there was no choice except to commit to life without these foods, to give my body time and space to heal.
This experience sparked an incredible learning around the depths of what my body needed. In many ways, I had more energy and felt stronger than I had in years. And in being human, once the symptoms began to ease, I allowed the once restricted foods back to my diet on a more regular basis. I immediately noticed the difference in my digestion, mood, energy, and overall sense of wellness. I was intrigued.
So for this 108 day cycle I am committed to the exploration of what it is that I need in order to deeply nourish my sacred self. This will come in many forms - exploring new recipes, taking note of how certain foods make me feel, raising my awareness as to when I choose to eat for emotional reasons and releasing those patterns, choosing foods as close to the earth and as minimally processed as possible, engaging the world of spices in my cooking, and taking great care to prepare my own food regularly.
I am looking forward to this journey with my arms outstretched to the depths of what I will learn and to the places where I will be challenged and transformed.
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