Let Go

I consider myself a tried and true connoisseur of what it is to 'let go'. There have been numerous experiences in my life that have required me to uproot, to grieve, to give in to what is, to simply let go . . . with grace, with anger, with love, with full consciousness of the process. Full surrender.

These past few weeks I have been locked in a familiar cycle in my life. One where I sit with a constant question mark regarding a big decision. And this one constant question mark for this one big decision has been reflected in my diet. I gain ground in the deep nurturing of myself, and then I feel myself slide back a few feet. I resolve to be more clean and mindful in my choices, and I find myself binging on sweets. I recommit to movement, only to find that getting out of bed in the morning is becoming more and more of an arduous task. I reframe it. Shift my attention. Inquire and reflect. And still the cycle is present.

This past weekend I was with a group of women that I connect with every month or so. We build a fire together and move into a sweat ritual. Afterwards we share an amazing potluck, and often, many of us spend the night and share breakfast and soulful conversations the next morning. After leaving this space on Sunday evening, I felt myself drawing into myself - luxuriating in the sense of comfort and peace I felt in my body, and noticing that my cravings had subsided and that preparing dinner was a simplistic and grounding affair.

Then Monday came and I was tossed into the work week. It wasn't that all of my sense of grounding and peace had been lost, it was that I recognized my supreme resistance and fear of what the work day requires of me - being attached to my computer for most of the day, putting aside the things I am passionate about until the work day is over, being pushed out of my own natural rhythm, and being exposed to constant interruptions and conversations that grated against my open-hearted nature. By the end of the day, I felt as though I had been completely sizzled by an electrical current, and I had managed to eat my way through a small pile of cookies. I was so tired that I went to bed at 9 PM, and still struggled to get out of bed the next morning. The same thing happened yesterday. With the same result this morning. It was 15 minutes before it was time to leave for work and I was still under the covers resisting the start of my day. It is so rare that I feel this way, that when I do, I recognize it is a flashing red light for me to pay attention to.

And it is the message that is hard to sit with - I no longer am willing to live the fullness of my life at the edges of my day - to schedule in time for my grad school work, creations, coaching, and otherwise as something to fit into two hour time slots before I go to bed. I have been so very thankful for my work of the last two years and the stability it has created in my life, and I have also grown to the ceiling of what is possible. Without a substantial change in my role and responsibilities that meets what it is that I'm here to do in this world, my time here will draw to a close sooner rather than later. 

Sometimes when you hit the same wall over and over again . . . it isn't about 'doing it better' or 'differently'. Sometimes it is that moment when you have to slowly begin to open your heart to your truth, and create the foundation for which to let go. Sometimes it is not you that needs to be uprooted, but rather something in your life that is no longer nourishing you.

Begin it now, as Goethe would say.

Let go, as I would say.